Did You REALLY Pay Your “Last Respects” (Wakes & Funerals)

Updated: Sep 12


Let's Set the scene....

Your loved one transcends and you are trying to process what has just happened and manage your feelings. On top of that, you have to locate wills, trusts and coordinate your loved one's last wishes. You‘re courteous enough to inform others and even those that had no involvement in the care of your loved one. You click on your social media just to take your mind off things, only to find that insensitive, attention seeking people have already posted about the pain that you’re in the MIDDLE of processing.


These people have NO details about what has transpired but ran STRAIGHTWAY to social media to announce what they know NOTHING about, in less than 24 hours of ONLY being notified that your loved one is no longer here. THIS IS AMERICA!


Now you’re inundated with texts, phone calls & questions from people you don‘t even talk to and wondering how they even got your number. All you want is to process, make the necessary arrangements and grieve in peace, but that has been ruined by selfish, nosey, attention seeking people. And they’re excuse is, “I’m checking on you and want to pay my “Last Respects” or wanting to know when, where & what time your loved one transitioned👀 And the only question in your mind is, “where was all of this “concern” and checking on me and my loved one when they were HERE and REQUIRED your help and assistance?” I’ll tell you where, off living they’re lives, unconcerned, unbothered and REFUSING to help. So, now let’s talk “Last Respects” and the new found “Concern.”


Last Respects

“Last Respects” are not given at a Wake or Funeral “AFTER” a person has transitioned. “Last Respects” are “SHOWN” to a person while they’re still “HERE”, on this earth to reap the benefits of your actions. “Last Respects” are acts of caring and kindness, such as sacrificing YOUR TIME to be there to support them in their time of need. When you think about paying your “Last Respects” to someone, ask yourself how many days did you miss work to take them to doctor’s appointments, how many times did you sacrifice your time to come and just sit with them so that they knew you were there, how many times did you take the time to prepare them a healthy meal and feed them, if need be, where you there in the middle of the night when they were calling out for you or needed help, how many times did you come to bathe and change them or help clean them up, how many times did you lay in bed with them to caress and comfort them, how many times did you go watch their favorite show with them or sing silly songs with them, how many times did you offer financial support, how many nights did you spend in the hospital with them, how many times were you there when they didn’t know who or where they were, how many times did you bring them into your home to protect them from themselves? How many, How many, HOW MANY???? THESE are the actions that count! THESE are the actions that MEAN something to a person. THESE are the actions through which a person FEELS your heart and makes them FEEL loved and respected. If you have done these things, then you have paid your “Last Respects” and can rest assured that your loved one FELT and received your love & respect and benefited from the time you sacrificed for them, “WHEN IT COUNTED!” What happens AFTER they’re gone is of no significance to them, because ALL the love & support that they could’ve received was taken in WHILE THEY WERE HERE!

Inappropriate Behavior

Society has programmed people horribly wrong! It is what you do HERE, NOW on THIS side of the sun that people take with them, NOT you showing up AFTER they’re gone to look at them in a casket. If you couldn’t show up for a person “WHILE THEY WERE HERE”, “WHEN IT MATTERED” then what does showing up, AFTER THEY’RE GONE” looking at them in a casket do for them? I’ll tell you, “Not a Damn thing!” Society has turned Wakes & Funerals into social events, where people gather to seek attention from people that don’t really care, to be nosey, gossip and get a free pass to get off from work. It’s really selfish, grotesque and appalling. Nothing is sacred and pure anymore. A person transitions and people run STRAIGHT to social media to post pics without even ASKING if it’s okay. If the family members who were there isn’t posting about it, what makes another person think it’s okay for them to do it? It is down right disrespectful to post personal, intimate moments on social media to parade in front of a BUNCH of strangers for sympathy attention. These things are done without even taking family member's feelings into consideration. Some things are just personal and NOT for Social Media.

The Day I Woke UP

I had to sit and stand by, while my mom’s last precious moments and breathes were turned into a circus show. Her hospital room was descended upon by people she didn’t really know or care for. People were allowed to see her in a manner in which she NEVER would’ve agreed to. People were invited and in attendance at her Wake & Funeral that had NO SIGNIFICANCE in her life. That was one of the WORSE times of my life & I vowed to NEVER be a part of such a circus ever again in my life. I remember taking my children home, sitting them down and telling them, not to allow people around me who have no significance in my life, when the time comes. And to only hold a small intimate gathering of the people they KNOW, have put forth effort and sacrificed their time to be there for me, when it mattered. Not so called family, friends & acquaintances, whom I really have no dealings with or fell out with over ill actions, or children or siblings who have put forth NO EFFORT in my care. I say all this to say, it is time out for the foolery, fake love & support AFTER a person has transcended and the selfish posts and displays to attract sympathy attention. All the love & support that matters is given & received while a person is still here! The moment they transcend is the moment you lost ALL opportunity to show your “Last Respects!” Why? Because they’re no longer here to receive it.......

Do What's Right NOT Popular

I don’t care about what’s popular and traditional. I care about what’s right and sacred. When the time comes for a person to transcend, they should only be surrounded by people whom genuinely loved, supported and sacrificed they’re time to BE THERE for them, while they were here. They shouldn’t be put on display for other’s need to attend another event, be nosey, gossip, seek attention & get a pass from work. So, if you ever find yourself in the position to plan a Wake or Funeral for a loved one, ask yourself, “Am I planning this to seek sympathy attention from others, Am I planning this for a bunch of nosey, gossiping people whom have given no support in the care of my loved one or am I genuinely planning this for my loved one and the people whom have genuinely cared for & supported them? " You just might find, that a small ceremony with your loved one's CLOSEST support team is all that is needed. You see, the people who cared, put in the time and have been there for their loved one, were most likely there until the end, have said they’re good byes & are at peace. They’ve seen they’re loved one suffer and are happy they’re free & no longer suffering. Therefore, If you’re one of the ones that have to ask, “ what happened”, then that question alone, qualifies you as a person that wasn’t there and doesn’t need to know. On the other hand, there are some instances where things have transpired, that prevented communication with important key people, but details should surely be shared at the appointed time. So, the next time you say, “I’m going to show my “Last Respects”, ask yourself, “If I wasn’t there, sacrificing my time and giving support while the person was alive, what assistance can I offer this person now that they're in this casket, how does the deceased and grieving loved ones benefit from my presence now??”

The Take Away

Be there for your loved one WHILE THEY’RE HERE! Once they’ve transcended, it’s over! Nothing you do thereafter, can go with them. All the love and support that you could’ve given is null, void & stamped “Expired.”


When you hear of a person’s loss, don’t descend upon them with your nosey questions or broadcast it on social media. Have some respect!


Give them time & space to breathe and sort shit out. Ask them if it's okay to tell others, instead of acting like an attention seeking cackling hen. Don’t do disrespectful shit, like posting the deceased and their business all over social media. If they haven’t done it, you DEFINITELY don’t have the right to post ANYTHING pertaining to it!

You don't know the suffering they've had to watch they're loved one endure, nor the images engraved upon their brains that they see EVERY TIME they close their eyes. If you want to post about it, simply ASK or send a TEXT to see how they're feeling and see if it's okay BEFORE doing such things. Some people like to grieve in peace, not publicly. Do you know how devastating and hurtful it is, for a person to be scrolling social media, to take their mind off of things, just to run across a person broadcasting their personal pain across social media, only a couple of hours of them finding out?! OUCH!


And if you weren't PERSONALLY notified, that’s a sure sign that you’re not on the “Need to Know List!” So, give them an opportunity to let you in when THEY'RE ready.......


Until then, ask yourself, “How many days did I miss work to take them to doctor’s appointments, how many times did I sacrifice my time to come and just sit with them so that they knew that I was there, how many times did I take the time to prepare them a healthy meal and feed them, was I there in the middle of the night when they were calling out for me or needed help, how many times did I come to bathe and change them or help clean them up, how many times did I lay in bed with them to caress and comfort them, how many times did I go watch their favorite show with them or sing silly songs with them, how many times did I offer financial support, how many nights did I spend in the hospital with them, how many times was I there when they didn’t know who or where they were, how many times have I brought them into my home to protect them from themselves? How many, How many, HOW MANY???”


Now Stop That Bullshit & DO BETTER!

April Askew


Truth Seeker, That Goes Against the Grain.

Dancing To My Own Tune, Living My Life on My Own Terms, Outside the Collective Societal Brain.


In My Own Lane, On My Own Path.............


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